Tired 😞

We are taking a break. Our last IUI failed again, even though there were two mature follicles prior to trigger. 

I was initially optimistic because I POAS 10 dpt, thinking the hcg would have been out of my system by then. It was positive. I didn’t want to believe it, even though my husband said there’s a possibility. I POAS two days after and the line was lighter. Also, I didn’t feel pregnant. I know the feeling because we were pregnant last November. 

I told my husband that I’m getting tired of the pills, going in for ultrasounds (our RE clinic is about 30 mins away with light traffic), the shot, timing intercourse, etc etc. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said I don’t know. He then told me that whether or not we have a baby, he’s fine and that he’s already complete. A baby will just be an added blessing. I cried. He comforted me.

So, we’re taking a break. I’m tired.

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Why? How? Why?

I try not to read the news, but it’s really hard. Apart from the political turmoil here in the US, there has been an influx of children being killed – at times by their own mothers/parents.

It’s so hard to fathom how a mother can do such a thing. We have a puppy and she’s being treated like our own child. We even spoon feed her when she’s hormonal and wouldn’t eat anything. 

To read these kinds of horrifying news is truly heartbreaking for someone who’s been TTC. We’ve been trying for almost two years now (first year – on our own; second – IUI and meds). We want a child and have been spending time, money, energy, and tears just to have one. Yet, those who are fortunate to have one, I can’t even begin…

One mother locked the doors and windows to their trailer before setting it ablaze. Another poisoned her kids. Yet another did something horrible that I don’t even want to remember.

Why? How? Why? I really want a child. I want a child. I would give my all and take care of my child if we could have one. Those unwanted angels, I want them. 

If I may have just one, please. Please. Please. Please.